What a wonderful world

I don't even know why I'm posting this here, probably just for my own mental health, so if you're looking for something cartoon related in this post, be forewarned, you won't find it.

Where to start... as some of you know that I'm getting married in a few months (Oct 5th to be exact). Everything was going great, most of the planning is done except for a few small details, and everyone in both families have been eagerly looking forward to a great day. As it turns out, due to recent events, it will most likely be a bitter-sweet day at best. You see, Erin's Dad had a bout with cancer in his bladder a couple months ago, but we were told he was ok & that they removed it all etc etc. Well on Thursday of last week, he was taken to the hospital with bad back pain. Guess what? Cancer's back, & it's literally everywhere: Liver, lymph nodes, bones, spine to name a few. They planned on treating him aggressively with surgery, chemo & radiation, and at that point (thurs/fri) they still thought that with the treatment he would be able to attend the wedding & give his daughter away. By Friday night, the word had changed. Surgery was out of the question for a variety of reasons, but without it he was guaranteed to stay bedridded for the rest of his life, as the cancer in his bones has basically disintigrated his hip joints. It's also disintigrated 2 discs in his back which is what caused the pain in the first place.

Through Sat & Sun, all we got was worse news on top of worse news. They still hadn't (haven't) figured out where the primary cancer is, and with radiation as the only treatment option left, they wanted to target the primary if at all possible. Well it doesn't matter, because last night(Mon) his liver stopped working altogether, and the Doc said any treatment now is basically a waste & will only cause him more discomfort. All they can do now is get him on hospice care, and send him home so he can at least die in his own house. We all jokingly call him "Captain America" because he has flags everywhere he can fit them & about 500 magnet ribbons on his truck, so I wouldn't be surprised if he's got it in his head to just let go tomorrow - it's definitely his style, & it would almost be fitting in a strange way.

Like I said, I don't know why I'm posting all this, but I am. I feel so bad for Erin (and her family) right now I don't have words to express it, & the helpless feeling when you know you can't change a thing doesn't help any. It's also an all too soon instant replay of my own Father's last days, & that was only 2 years ago now. We all know death is a part of life, but saying the timing sucks right now is beyond an understatement. Erin is one of four, but she's always been "Daddy's little girl," and the two of them were looking forward to the wedding like kids waiting on Christmas. Out of the four kids, Erin is the only one having a planned/traditional wedding. She would have been the only daughter he got to give away, & it was a huge deal to both of them. I think Erin is having as hard a time dealing with that as she is with his death in general. The self-pitying part of my head just can't get over that no matter how hard you try to do something the "right" way, it seems that life will just bitch slap you for it & hand you a plate of shit for dinner - then tell you to ask for seconds.

No giving Erin away, no dancing to "Daddy's Little Girl," just a candle "In Memoriam" instead. Doesn't quite cut it, but unfortunately none of us get to make these decisions, we just get to deal with them. I don't know how she's keeping it together at this point, but she's doing as well as can be expected. Her & her family keep asking me how I did it with my Dad, & I just say I didn't have a choice, to quote Bob Dylan, "You do what you must do, and you do it well." Parts of me are finding this to be the tougher go-round. I could deal with my pain, but seeing her's & not being able to take it away is something else altogether. This I've never had to do before. And of all the people I know, life has already fed Erin enough shit that she sure as hell doesn't deserve this. Her mother has been in a wheelchair for years with chronic MS, and guess what? Two years ago Erin was lucky enough to be diagnosed with MS as well. Know what the odds of that are? Something in the range of winning the lottery. But hey, she gets to defy medical odds & wins MS for the rest of her life instead. And people wonder why I'm a cynical bastard.

I don't subscribe to any of the major religions, but I do believe something bigger than me started all this. Whoever or whatever is up there must be pissed at Erin & I for something. Either that or God has a sick sense of humor. Whatever the case, the only useful thing I can do right now is support her as she has always done for me. All I can ask of you is to say a little prayer to whoever it is you pray to that Erin & her family stay strong & get through this.

Sorry for dumping, but thank you for reading, it felt good to purge a little.
Pat